A Letter: A Memoir of Desperation and Frustration

I used to be different. Now i am different.

Dear Well-Wisher; Care-taker; Friend

I HATE YOU.

Yes, you heard that right, I hate you. From the core of my heart, my soul, every living cell of my body, I will hate you.

I hate you, for what you have inflicted on me.

I hate you, for what you are doing to me. 

I hate you, for acting as a bridge between my soulless body and my humanity.

Every time I look in the mirror, the visage seems familiar, but I still cannot recall “EXACTLY”, where I have seen IT.

I had left IT all behind, in my past.

You have ruined me.

I am so frustrated and desperate now. I loathe myself for accepting and embracing IT; my old-self.

 I’ve always considered myself a fairly emotional person.

But, that was all behind me,

I drowned the person in the deep oceans of pacific. I tied a big boulder of despair with IT, so as to make sure that IT won’t see the light of the day.

And then, I ran, as fast as I could, as far as I could.

Because, that corpse would remind me of a pathetic, emotional person, I was, at one sort of time. I thought that I would never encounter it again.

But the fates had it.

Now everywhere I look, I see the scoundrel, the imposter, the ghost, staring at me coldly, grinning at me.

And I run {yet again.}

But this time, I am not alone.

IT; myself, is running besides me, catching up to me, like my shadow.

What I cannot decipher: After so much pain, after so much sorrow, after so many tears, why is there a little part of me that is intentionally slowing down, so as to feel the intimacy of a ghostly touch.

Why, even after what I’ve done to my doppelganger, can it ‘as well’ accept me back and try to reunite.

I am afraid of running now.

I stay, I stay and I stay.

And surprisingly, it does too.

IT hugs me and sleeps with me. We make love. We reunite.

Now, out of the blue, the moon is brighter; the wind is rhythmically cool; the birds are chirping violins.

I cannot understand.

After that one night, the rush; it is so hard on me. It is as if all the latent emotions, that I have put in a box, sealed and burnt, have cornered me. They are seeping into my skin, not one at a time, but they are bombarding their tiny Lilliputian self, to the giant I am.

And it hurts, it hurts real badly.

I do not want to feel it, not anymore. I thought that I had came a very long way, that I won’t have to suffer anymore.

But I was wrong.

I have been traversing in the opposite direction. I am till so far away from the goal post.

I am paralyzed with feelings. And even after that, I am still crawling to reach the destination, to get the grand prize i.e. the power of acceptance, the same old love, who I never embraced fully.

Thank you Dear Friend.

Thank you for giving me someone to direct my loathing towards. For giving me goals, that I would shrug off of my shoulders. For letting me hate you.

And so, I will continue to hate you, continue to hate myself, till I reach and win and embrace.

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